his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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