i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
