I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
