My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
