and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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