But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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