I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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