Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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