I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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