I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
