You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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