She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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