The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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