Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
