Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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