Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
