My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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