1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
We need a shit load of segways right now
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
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