I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
