I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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