I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
