I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
