I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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