apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
