so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
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By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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