Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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