I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
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I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
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So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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