He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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