Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
