I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
