you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Congratulations! We have a period
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