Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
