she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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