you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
