Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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