Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
