Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
love makes seman taste better
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
