I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
