Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
