There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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