last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
