I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Randomize
