I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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