The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
