You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
