I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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