aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
