You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
