apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
