If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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