If i come over, it means nothing
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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