in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
