my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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