hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
