So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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