Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
