I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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