The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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