He uses pillows to masturbate.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
