I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Just high enough for therapy.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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