R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
