why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Sacagawea was the original milf.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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