so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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