I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
